birth

kiss skin new smooth water flows
flush with blood, life recreates itself
eyes blue swell blink sleep again
tiny breaths climb a gentle stairway
splash shock bleed examine sharp pain
imprints of time persist in a growing heart
ocean swells ancient water silent rays penetrate
swim for your life, against the tide.

questions

are you in love?
does he know how you really feel?
do any of them know?
do you?
am I just one of them?
why do you save my letters?
are those words still true?
do you want them to be?
or not?
will you hang on my words forever?
or choke on them?
why do you love me?
how do you know that I love you?
is there going to be a time when I forget you?
what if I died?
would you remember me well?
would the rumors about me finally stop?
or get worse?
am I lonely or just bored?
are you jealous?
will I be when you finally find the one?
am I him?
do you want me, or just the idea of me?
do you even know me?
what would you do if you did know me?
if I lie, will you believe me?
how do you know?
are you in love?
are you?
well?

quote

“love
(and sex and death)
is the only satisfactory
(relationships are boring)
answer
(me this: why do I want you?)
to the question
(of death and disease and yearning and integrity and sorrow)
of human existence” – Erich Fromm

recipe

my brain is fried

my heart, on the other hand,
has been sliced into chunks
and marinated in
rejection
I imagine it will be delicious
baked slowly
in a hot, lonely oven

my backbone seems ready
for stewing
break it in half
and dump it in a pot
“soup is ready when the flesh
falls easily from the bones”

my legs are strong
and should make a nice sandwich
on a Kaiser roll
with some lettuce and thin slices
of fear

my healing hand
is better off without the knuckles
(had ‘em on a salad)
whereas my destroying hand
was way too tough to eat anyway

the liver, soaked in alcohol,
made a pleasant flambé at first
but burned to a crisp

and left me only kidneys for pie

and a bunch of yellow gutsthat ran away on their own

twisting

when the memory of her is too much,
try to go to sleep

in bed it gets worse,
memories rush across the backs of your eyelids
you wish she were breathing, lying, sleeping
next to you

heart not torn in two but
hammered into a tiny dense lump;
the feeling never seems to end…
shut your eyes to force yourself unconscious,
remembering
her words, laugh, eyes, touch

you’d think after so long
you could see her again and not
have your heart leap out of your body,
but there it is, twisting on the sheets
trying to get comfortable.

skinfeel

I hope it rains soon
so I can stop feeling
my heart swell up in my throat
so I can stop wanting to cry
so I can be a hero
because I continue to live
shaking each moment loose from the next
claiming each breath
as a source of pride

if it was raining I could listen
to the rush of water on my window
watch the world become a puddle
I would want to go outside
tap my fingers on wet leaves
feel the trickle of water on
the backs of my ears
stand and listen and try to imagine
each raindrop as it hits the ground

but it’s not raining
and I am a coward
I stay inside my dry skin of clothes
numb

lust

rushing wind brings
a violent smell of seduction
it impales the core of primal animal mind
blood surging
heartbeat echoing in the cavern
beneath the ribs
not just beauty, not just longing
but a vortex of lust
heatwaves pulse through the skin
stubble stands on end
throat clamps down like a greasy fist
desire to feel flesh
between teeth
to feel sweat and hair scraping tender skin
stinging wounds
drive a white thread of intense
concentration
from one spine through another
enormous burden of want
makes flesh slap flesh
grab with fingers, legs, mouth
draw breath like drawing fire
and scream --

untidaled

I slept until the high tide came
and floated me away like
a satisfying moment;
a wave swept me over,
slid me back up ion the beach
and left me face down in thin water…
I breathed in small clumps of bubbles,
let rivulets of sand run between my fingers
blinked tiny drops of water
from my eyelashes;
another sweeping hand of water
dragged me back into the roiling waves
until I was sucked out to sea…
ropes of kelp circled my head, my neck
my shoulders
my waist
I drowned naked,
believing I could breathe
underwater.

nightlight

go to bed
because that’s where
dreams are
and that’s where your
heart tells you
what to do
and because
tomorrow
is somewhere under the pillow
okay?
go to bed.

hiding

ideas are lurking
in the cupboard
I had a strange thought but it scurried away
strange noises (in the cupboard)
while I’m posing for people I don’t even know
Is it hiding
or does it wonder
what kind of strange noise I am?
Peek in the door
glimpse something spinning a web in the corner
but it’s half-invisible
a tickle in my ear
I brush it away
miniscule footprints in the dust
behind the pipes
where the water goes down the drain
just like normal: porcelain and
stainless-steel fixtures
and a drain-hole
crusted with sediment
leading somewhere underneath
I know something is in the cupboard,I just can’t catch it in the light
(c’mere, you)
maybe I just imagined it

Pro and Con: a love story

She is beautiful,
nice,
articulate;

I am wary,
cynical,
shy.

She makes my heart beat fast.

She makes my brain stupid.

Young.

Young.

Did I mention beautiful?

Seductive.

Innocent.

Unrealistic.

Wants to stay.

Has to leave.

Loves my writing.

Hasn’t read the darker stuff.

Virgin…

virgin.

Talks to me anyway.

maybe it could happen...

Seems to like me.

I fall for it.

Says she’ll write.

Doesn’t.

universe

frame your hand in the light of the moon
cup your ear from the wind
squint in the night, then open your eyes wide
take a deep breath
hear your heart pound
step into your skin for the first time,
freezing with anticipation and the deliberate breeze
touch bark with your fingertips
smell the deep of the trees around you
let go of the tense little world you have built
lay back on a rock, a boulder buried in the earth,
and absorb its potential
let its weight lay upon you as you lay upon it
until you are falling through the sky
with the earth behind you, rocketing
feel the massive accumulation of speed
pushing you before it
and dragging you behind it
shift around and stand above it
put your hand to it
hold it like a pebble in your fingers
like a grain of dust
let the galaxy float in the palm of your hand
a puddle in the sand
stars behind your eyes
the universe surrounds you like a skin
you breathe it in, it flows in your veins
you inhabit it just as it inhabits you.

robot

I slip through a crack in the door
to stand barefoot on the lawn.
No alarm is raised.
Tonight I look up at the glass vault of darkening sky,
wondering who else may be looking
at the moon
and the whirling clouds.
Just standing there I am tempted
to lay naked on the grass
and feel the night air on every inch of skin.
Somehow, I want my desire
to spread to everyone I touch
so that I am not alone
wanting to dig my fingers into the earth
just to feel the rocks and dirt
and the pulse of every single
blade of grass.
I’ve been programmed to not go far,
but now I am outside
and I want to know who or what
is beyond the edge of my known world
what remains to be explored
of forests? of deserts? of my soul?
If I go back in I will be hardwired
to the rest of my life.
I would rather flee
down a long dark highway,
talk to people I have nothing in common with
except for the fact that we
are in the same place at the same time.
The idea looms over me
like storm clouds, like trouble
waiting to take me by the back of my neck.
It’s quiet inside but I think they are starting
to wake up;
if they find me I’ll have to go back in
and perhaps wear a tracking collar.
It only takes a moment more
and I run.

elements

you and me
how much of my life begins with you and me?
though our first love fails
I search the sky for you, I name
the sun after our love,
I admire the moon for its’ coldness and grace
and see in the unattainable stars
everything I lack.

The world somehow does not end.

I strike a rock with another rock, hoping
that a spark will jump
and a fire will start
but all I get is broken rocks.

I spend time learning how to make armor
as well as I used to make jewelry.
Weighted, I am pulled down

Imagining the vastness of the ocean
makes my body rock back and forth, makes
me despair
for the eternity and depth of wisdom.

Time is not kind
but I survive with strengthened dignity
and when we touch again
I am ready.

I stare into a fire
laid around with stones
that were dredged from a river.
It hypnotizes me with its dances
laying low when fuel is scarce
but jumping higher when the wind picks up…

I see the place where our love survives.

reality

I pretended
that it was too dark
to hear

because I knew
and you didn’t ask;
your lips on mine made more sense
my hand was welcome on your thighs
the air was heavy
oppressive
your skin was
trembling
and real

I almost stayed awake
wondering
but it was too late
what now had come and gone
and if you had asked
I would have lied
anyway

in the morning
I remembered the whisper
the protest
the no
and pretending to be deaf
won’t save us now

resist

too much sleep
only makes me want to stay in bed
I would move but
prospects are grim

come on, throw off the comforter
I may be sweating
in the presence of life
yet I will not come around

stare at the ceiling
until the confluence of holes
paints me a way out
I feel a pathetic spark grow hot

burn me a new path
I’ll follow, I swear I’ll follow
just lead the way
tell me what to do

in the time we have left
bend closer to the task
let me rend your silver linings
into something we can use

don’t just wake up
get up