this is the place

poetry... I write a bit of it; like most poets I think my own stuff is brilliant at first and then hate it for shit (maybe years) later... then see some redeeming qualities and want to re-write it and then want to leave it the fuck alone and write something new.

I am trying to work my way out of 18 years of backlog; let me know what you think.

a lot of poets will usually say publicly that they have written hundreds or thousands of poems and never mention that they can't stand 95% of their own work...well, I have written hundreds of poems and I can say to the world that at least 95% of it sucks. I do have some favorites, which I will post here.

Not sure what I'll do when I get out from under the weight of having "used to write"...

heavydutyone@gmail.com

one caveat: the formatting of these posts in HTML is too difficult for me to present the correct line breaks and spacing. I think it's important, not concrete poetry important, but it makes a difference. If anybody has any suggestions how to make my blog look exactly like my Word doc, let me know --

please forgive me

because I was young and dumb and my love insanity made me write things...

presentation counts

I exported PDFs in order to show the nature of the formatting as well as the content of the text. I think it matters. Until I figure out how to format HTML the way I want, it'll have to do.

More to come.

PDF Version - 1989 poems

PDF Version - 1990 poems

plea

no more love
I am battered and bruised
not only was I nailed from behind, but I knelt for the blow
At this moment, love threatens like a baseball bat
or the back of a hand
and I know your giggle is healing me but I've heard that before
love always comes for me smiling and laughing
and patiently waits for me to be well before slamming my forehead through a glass door
of course the last thing I see is the reflection
of my own hand, gripping my hair.

goodbye

still love you

always did

even when the doors closed on my heart

wish I'd let go

never did

even when my world was blown apart

goodbye

lies

why don't you
BE lie VE
to me

WHY DO YOU
be LIE ve my words
TO ME

to live
in the
space I
create

(why are
you lying
to me
?)

WHY AM I
(lying so well)
BELIEVING YOU

fill the spaces
between my words
with the things
I want to hear
I CAN'T SPREAD
the words apart
sort the lies from the TRUTH IS HARD
AND THEN YOU
lie

photo

you were right
someday I’ll walk away
and addresses will be for the past
or the future
but my breakfast will be
on a table of open sky and desert

who will I dream about?
snake gods and river kings?

I see a photo of me
standing by a long hot highway
staring at the clouds
and me in the picture, the one doing the staring
is wondering how I got this far
and how far I’ll go
before I want to go home

I hear things calling
dreams
oceans and deserts and moons
wind in the trees
grass along the river’s edge
things calling for my soul…

burial

I heard about Billy today
and felt an imploding fireball disintegrate my heart
generate sparks conflagration shriveled hair
muscle slide lives breathes
the earth pulses and claims new flesh every day
acid stone microscopic eyeless worms
blindfold your soul and ignore your pain
grass wind merge with soil and grow
when I press my temples my skull creaks
clocks gears oil burning grease smearing
still frames of memory click by one by one
tears skin hook flesh screaming dying
the hunt for food satisfies more than hunger
massive intake of breath, timeless pulse of heart
smile teeth fear veil hide florid cheeks
chain links rattle by dragging iron balls and dirt
penetrate dark touch sand grab mud with your toes
rocks bone shatter ice skin melt
crush the moments into the shape of a day
coins shower swallow bury spadefuls stems and leaves
turn the earth, expose the soil, flatten the land
bury the dead

birth

kiss skin new smooth water flows
flush with blood, life recreates itself
eyes blue swell blink sleep again
tiny breaths climb a gentle stairway
splash shock bleed examine sharp pain
imprints of time persist in a growing heart
ocean swells ancient water silent rays penetrate
swim for your life, against the tide.

questions

are you in love?
does he know how you really feel?
do any of them know?
do you?
am I just one of them?
why do you save my letters?
are those words still true?
do you want them to be?
or not?
will you hang on my words forever?
or choke on them?
why do you love me?
how do you know that I love you?
is there going to be a time when I forget you?
what if I died?
would you remember me well?
would the rumors about me finally stop?
or get worse?
am I lonely or just bored?
are you jealous?
will I be when you finally find the one?
am I him?
do you want me, or just the idea of me?
do you even know me?
what would you do if you did know me?
if I lie, will you believe me?
how do you know?
are you in love?
are you?
well?

quote

“love
(and sex and death)
is the only satisfactory
(relationships are boring)
answer
(me this: why do I want you?)
to the question
(of death and disease and yearning and integrity and sorrow)
of human existence” – Erich Fromm

recipe

my brain is fried

my heart, on the other hand,
has been sliced into chunks
and marinated in
rejection
I imagine it will be delicious
baked slowly
in a hot, lonely oven

my backbone seems ready
for stewing
break it in half
and dump it in a pot
“soup is ready when the flesh
falls easily from the bones”

my legs are strong
and should make a nice sandwich
on a Kaiser roll
with some lettuce and thin slices
of fear

my healing hand
is better off without the knuckles
(had ‘em on a salad)
whereas my destroying hand
was way too tough to eat anyway

the liver, soaked in alcohol,
made a pleasant flambé at first
but burned to a crisp

and left me only kidneys for pie

and a bunch of yellow gutsthat ran away on their own

twisting

when the memory of her is too much,
try to go to sleep

in bed it gets worse,
memories rush across the backs of your eyelids
you wish she were breathing, lying, sleeping
next to you

heart not torn in two but
hammered into a tiny dense lump;
the feeling never seems to end…
shut your eyes to force yourself unconscious,
remembering
her words, laugh, eyes, touch

you’d think after so long
you could see her again and not
have your heart leap out of your body,
but there it is, twisting on the sheets
trying to get comfortable.

skinfeel

I hope it rains soon
so I can stop feeling
my heart swell up in my throat
so I can stop wanting to cry
so I can be a hero
because I continue to live
shaking each moment loose from the next
claiming each breath
as a source of pride

if it was raining I could listen
to the rush of water on my window
watch the world become a puddle
I would want to go outside
tap my fingers on wet leaves
feel the trickle of water on
the backs of my ears
stand and listen and try to imagine
each raindrop as it hits the ground

but it’s not raining
and I am a coward
I stay inside my dry skin of clothes
numb

lust

rushing wind brings
a violent smell of seduction
it impales the core of primal animal mind
blood surging
heartbeat echoing in the cavern
beneath the ribs
not just beauty, not just longing
but a vortex of lust
heatwaves pulse through the skin
stubble stands on end
throat clamps down like a greasy fist
desire to feel flesh
between teeth
to feel sweat and hair scraping tender skin
stinging wounds
drive a white thread of intense
concentration
from one spine through another
enormous burden of want
makes flesh slap flesh
grab with fingers, legs, mouth
draw breath like drawing fire
and scream --

untidaled

I slept until the high tide came
and floated me away like
a satisfying moment;
a wave swept me over,
slid me back up ion the beach
and left me face down in thin water…
I breathed in small clumps of bubbles,
let rivulets of sand run between my fingers
blinked tiny drops of water
from my eyelashes;
another sweeping hand of water
dragged me back into the roiling waves
until I was sucked out to sea…
ropes of kelp circled my head, my neck
my shoulders
my waist
I drowned naked,
believing I could breathe
underwater.

nightlight

go to bed
because that’s where
dreams are
and that’s where your
heart tells you
what to do
and because
tomorrow
is somewhere under the pillow
okay?
go to bed.

hiding

ideas are lurking
in the cupboard
I had a strange thought but it scurried away
strange noises (in the cupboard)
while I’m posing for people I don’t even know
Is it hiding
or does it wonder
what kind of strange noise I am?
Peek in the door
glimpse something spinning a web in the corner
but it’s half-invisible
a tickle in my ear
I brush it away
miniscule footprints in the dust
behind the pipes
where the water goes down the drain
just like normal: porcelain and
stainless-steel fixtures
and a drain-hole
crusted with sediment
leading somewhere underneath
I know something is in the cupboard,I just can’t catch it in the light
(c’mere, you)
maybe I just imagined it

Pro and Con: a love story

She is beautiful,
nice,
articulate;

I am wary,
cynical,
shy.

She makes my heart beat fast.

She makes my brain stupid.

Young.

Young.

Did I mention beautiful?

Seductive.

Innocent.

Unrealistic.

Wants to stay.

Has to leave.

Loves my writing.

Hasn’t read the darker stuff.

Virgin…

virgin.

Talks to me anyway.

maybe it could happen...

Seems to like me.

I fall for it.

Says she’ll write.

Doesn’t.

universe

frame your hand in the light of the moon
cup your ear from the wind
squint in the night, then open your eyes wide
take a deep breath
hear your heart pound
step into your skin for the first time,
freezing with anticipation and the deliberate breeze
touch bark with your fingertips
smell the deep of the trees around you
let go of the tense little world you have built
lay back on a rock, a boulder buried in the earth,
and absorb its potential
let its weight lay upon you as you lay upon it
until you are falling through the sky
with the earth behind you, rocketing
feel the massive accumulation of speed
pushing you before it
and dragging you behind it
shift around and stand above it
put your hand to it
hold it like a pebble in your fingers
like a grain of dust
let the galaxy float in the palm of your hand
a puddle in the sand
stars behind your eyes
the universe surrounds you like a skin
you breathe it in, it flows in your veins
you inhabit it just as it inhabits you.

robot

I slip through a crack in the door
to stand barefoot on the lawn.
No alarm is raised.
Tonight I look up at the glass vault of darkening sky,
wondering who else may be looking
at the moon
and the whirling clouds.
Just standing there I am tempted
to lay naked on the grass
and feel the night air on every inch of skin.
Somehow, I want my desire
to spread to everyone I touch
so that I am not alone
wanting to dig my fingers into the earth
just to feel the rocks and dirt
and the pulse of every single
blade of grass.
I’ve been programmed to not go far,
but now I am outside
and I want to know who or what
is beyond the edge of my known world
what remains to be explored
of forests? of deserts? of my soul?
If I go back in I will be hardwired
to the rest of my life.
I would rather flee
down a long dark highway,
talk to people I have nothing in common with
except for the fact that we
are in the same place at the same time.
The idea looms over me
like storm clouds, like trouble
waiting to take me by the back of my neck.
It’s quiet inside but I think they are starting
to wake up;
if they find me I’ll have to go back in
and perhaps wear a tracking collar.
It only takes a moment more
and I run.

elements

you and me
how much of my life begins with you and me?
though our first love fails
I search the sky for you, I name
the sun after our love,
I admire the moon for its’ coldness and grace
and see in the unattainable stars
everything I lack.

The world somehow does not end.

I strike a rock with another rock, hoping
that a spark will jump
and a fire will start
but all I get is broken rocks.

I spend time learning how to make armor
as well as I used to make jewelry.
Weighted, I am pulled down

Imagining the vastness of the ocean
makes my body rock back and forth, makes
me despair
for the eternity and depth of wisdom.

Time is not kind
but I survive with strengthened dignity
and when we touch again
I am ready.

I stare into a fire
laid around with stones
that were dredged from a river.
It hypnotizes me with its dances
laying low when fuel is scarce
but jumping higher when the wind picks up…

I see the place where our love survives.

reality

I pretended
that it was too dark
to hear

because I knew
and you didn’t ask;
your lips on mine made more sense
my hand was welcome on your thighs
the air was heavy
oppressive
your skin was
trembling
and real

I almost stayed awake
wondering
but it was too late
what now had come and gone
and if you had asked
I would have lied
anyway

in the morning
I remembered the whisper
the protest
the no
and pretending to be deaf
won’t save us now

resist

too much sleep
only makes me want to stay in bed
I would move but
prospects are grim

come on, throw off the comforter
I may be sweating
in the presence of life
yet I will not come around

stare at the ceiling
until the confluence of holes
paints me a way out
I feel a pathetic spark grow hot

burn me a new path
I’ll follow, I swear I’ll follow
just lead the way
tell me what to do

in the time we have left
bend closer to the task
let me rend your silver linings
into something we can use

don’t just wake up
get up

mutants

condemned children
playing grownup
refusing to let time
rip them to shreds
tiny hearts cast in wax
and tweaked with a blowtorch
when necessary
to reinforce an image
or salvage false dignity

time change
the children change with them;
a new generation born
into pollution
awash in self-loathing
as the drive
themselves
around

carving a niche in a world
already cratered by greed
creating a semblance of self-worth
they beg and pucker
and pay
to be rich
the alternative is much
too embarrassing…

target

I feel more than hear
arrows slicing through the air near my head;
engraved with rain and blood,
green leaves and blue sea,
curve of hip and blessing of whisper.
My heart is perforated
from previous attacks;
the wounds seep and scab
and scar.
I stand among walls
studded with missed opportunities;
my bed is feathered
with mistakes and lessons,
and I find
more arrows littering the ground
with notes tied on with string.
Bending to read one,
I am shot trough the ribs
again.
I draw the thorn
from my side, and it says
I love you.

rain

it rained all night
black turned to grey but the sky
wouldn’t stop falling

dreams half-remembered
are soon completely gone;
but for brief glimpses
of sidewalks becoming streams
streets becoming rivers, carrying
houses downstream

all of it washed away
washed away,
forever.

single

dance, sweat, act
like you’re having fun be
cause
barring a miracle
you’re going home alone again
watch the lights connect
try and listen to what this girl has to say even though
the music is loud
drink
to improve your chances
loosen up, talk too much, and
at the very least
don’t stand around with
your hands in your
pockets
watch that fantasy girl
long enough to make
sure she’s not with someone
but so long that some else
asks her to dance
first
stop assuming a rejection scenario
and ask her to dance and
get rejected anyway
here’s a real fantasy: that girl asks
you to dance
go home
ears ringing and hand stamped
smelling like cigarette smoke but otherwise
no different.

hive

bees
everywhere
they drone so close to my ear that
my skin crawls

(i swoop
low,
through a dark hole
ringed by pulsing bodies
and glittering eyes
into the hive)

wings beat, tiny on my face
my eyelids flutter
as i recoil

i slap before i can think
(i sting)
ducking, running
(hissing away, threat
then darkness
i plummet)

red swelling blood
pinpoint venom
and it won’t stop
(hurting)

nemesis

now I will sing
and around my words
will be molten lava
so that to touch my song
you must be burned
seared, blackened
stripped to the bone

now I will dance
and around me will be the moon
so that to see me
your mind will be turned
to lunacy
you must become insane
like a void, like the smell
of chaos
like a madwoman
laughing at her own destruction

now I will write
and my poem will be
hammered into stone
and you, blind and burned
insane
will read my words
with your tongue

caged

just when I think
I've got the little monster
locked up, blocked out and
shut down

she walks by with that guy

and I throw the key to the monster
now he's rampaging
in my guts
swinging from my spinal cord
throwing red paint
around in my heart

I've got a stranglehold
on my expression
so all it can do is
smile

beast

I dream of the beast inside me
with a face like a man
but with a mouthful of broken fingers
and eyes like steel and frozen mud
It cradles a child in white
gently, tenderly holding it by its heel
in a river of blood and tears
I dream that the child is crying
as its eyes are washed away
there is a scream stuck in my throat
lashed down under layers of fear

I dream of the child inside me
hidden in the belly of an armored beast
with a face like a man

letter

If I were to write a letter to You
inkspots and all
I would have to start by saying
gee it's been a long time
(of course you never called or wrote)
I'm doing okay
( I died when you said you didn't love me)
how are you?
(who gives a shit?)
The bloody thumbprint is just me
trying to stop the pain
the watermarks aren't tears
I just spilled some water
actually, I wrote this
about a month ago
I just don't know where the fuck
you are
Anyway hope I (don't) hear from you
soon...

three

to lay with her
is like moonlight and open arms
she is silver and white
he touches her breasts, he tastes
her lips
she is soft and mysterious

he is golden
she loves him as she admires the sun
his strength
is her secret pain
it burns to hold him inside her

I am ebony
and scarlet; my blood is their life
I watch, afraid
to touch them
hating myself for staining them

she needs my darkness
I am pain and relief from pain
he hates me,
raging inside because he knows
I am there

there is love
beyond their fear and pain
as the sun,
he cannot let go; as the moon,
she can never leave...

safe

The sometimes rain became harsh,
threw down some lightning
and a wave of crippling thunder
You stood in the wind and called for me
I flew to you, to keep you safe
Your face said you were strong
and you would bear the weight of the sky
but I still woke up with your tears on my shoulder
during the warm dark pain of night
The dream said you would fly across the water
and pass through the storm to find me waiting

Exploring you I find bare jewels
and steel cases and long lists of special words
and giggles tied together with white ribbon
and tiny poisonous snakes
There is something in your tight little fist that I may never see
sometimes I pry gently
I am not patient

The next night the sky is clear and the moon is bright
I tell you what I want
and you tell me to wait, though I reach with my words
My skin tingles with your remembered touch
and kisses of cold breeze
I reveal myself to you through my voice and my caress
noticing the advancing clouds
I bring you to me, into my arms
the tide of words subsides

emotional ocean

the waves swell again and the sky grows dark
my heart pounds, deep and strong
my face flushes with blood
the thunder comes and lightning flashes
desire ripping open the black wall of clouds
the storm roars through,
crashing against the water
I am naked and the wind pushes me
to rage and scream
and I begin to die again
losing my breath
waves crest and break and move on
sunlight reflected
from the undulating water
catches my eye,
making it glow green.

"perfect," she said

He dreamed
and in the dream he was
with her,
they laid together and she
curled up to his ear and
whispered
I love you
He smiled in the dark,
remembering
and she held
his hand and said
don't leave me
his sleep
was troubled
and he
mumbled
never
I'll never
she held him tightly
he woke up crying
and alone

sentinel

wait patiently
for her to come

and she will not know
that you have
always
been watching and waiting

too many lives
are wasted
but you have a purpose

you must not let her
tempt you
she will not know

you must not let her
fall

no reason

It caught me off guard because
I was, like, not listening
and all of a sudden it came in
and took my heart in its fist
saying pay attention
in real simple terms

and it was one of those times,
not like when your'e hoping
you can find a song that will
fill in the blanks in your head,
but more like it was just true

So I thought of her again
I only think of her like a
million fucking times a day
but this time I just got it,
I got a glimpse of the maze
between our hearts

sometimes I sit alone, you know,
trying to say on paper what it is
that's playing with my heart and mind
like so much monopoly money, like
some fucking game

because sometimes I can see it
like something that's all there
but too close to focus on, for some reason
or no reason